Okay, it's day six. I'm hungry.  I hurt.  I'm almost out of my pain medication.  I'm impatient.  I'm drooling.
I'm ready to scream!
I like to consider myself a patient patient--doing what the doctor tells me, keeping a bright outlook--but I'm about to rip my abnormally greasy hair right out of my angry little head.

My current beefs:
  • My dog nose
  • Whatever's happened to my breath
  • Tickling
  • Hunger
  • Appetite
  • Swelling
  • Sleeping
  • Medicine
  • People
  • John Mayer

My nose looks like a pug nose right now, but that's not what I mean by dog nose.  No, my nose is currently so oily, 24/7, that I touch it and my fingers come away wet literally ten minutes after I wash it.  Normally I have nice, happy skin.  It's lovely, really...
Just a joke, but if anything, my skin is dry.  Now, my forehead is currently about as moisturized as the Sahara desert, but this stupid nose is slippery and I don't know why!  What is doing this to my nose!?  And my hair for that matter.  All I do is sit in a chair and spill liquids on myself all day long, yet I think I could shower twice a day and I still wouldn't feel clean.

My breath still smells like a salmon smokery.  I swear, I brush my teeth and tongue like 40 times a day and use my prescription mouthwash, but it is unchanging.

Tickling.  Let's just start by saying that I hate to be tickled.  The second someone starts I fake scream bloody murder because it makes most people stop immediately.  And all my stupid, stupid hair does is swarm around my unfeeling face and make it itch and tickle.  I can't feel my face, how does it itch!?  I could scratch all day long, but you can't scratch an itch you technically can't feel.

This is day six? Then I've been hungry six days now.  No matter what you eat, no matter how much you eat, you are never full on a liquid diet.

So why is appetite listed separately from hunger?  Because blended food is disgusting and I don't want any of it.

My swelling is probably the most bothersome right now.  It's "fine" I guess, but this upper lip the size of Lisa Rinna's-- What's that? Teenagers don't know who that is?-- the size of Angelina Jolie's bottom one is really getting in my way.  Not only that, but it's still numb and there's constant pressure on it and it just hurts, okay?

I don't even want to get started on sleeping. It is IMPOSSIBLE to sleep flat on your back, at a 45 degree angle, with your face straight up for any amount of time, much less the four to six weeks that I'm expected to do it.  I got, maybe, four hours of sleep last night because it hurts to sleep any other way and my drooling has reached St. Bernard proportions.

I'm so sick of medicine!  I take this horrible "orange" flavored stuff three times a day and my Lortab looks  like pee, only I'd rather drink pee at this point.  Today I even took Tylenol instead of it, just because I'm sick of forcing it down my throat through a syringe.

Aaaaaand people. I'm not a people person anyway, and right now between the pain and the effect the medicine has on me, I'm hardly a person at all.  I can't focus on anything, I look and feel gross, I'm in a perpetual bad mood, and I JUST DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU!
This isn't completely true though; I've had some people come by and see me and I'm very grateful that I have friends that want to, blah blah blah.  The people that have come to see me understand that I don't feel too great and don't overstay their welcome.  And, I'll say it, I appreciate some connection to the outside world.  But to those of you that think it's funny to argue with me and insist you're going to come see me no matter what I say, IT'S NOT FUNNY.  In fact, it makes me furious.  I have a very short temper already and right now it's minuscule.  Do not mess with me, do not argue with me.  If I specifically say to you that I don't wan't to see you, don't you dare show up at my doorstep.

John Mayer has absolutely nothing to do with my recovery, I just really can't stand his music.

And now, for the irony: today was a good day!
Can't you tell!? I'm back to my cynical, unhappy self!
Not only am I being angry with my writing, but it's less erratic, more cohesive than the last few posts have been.  I'm even using italics and dashes again!!!  Let me just say, lortab is one heck of a drug.  
I only took one dose today and I feel really good about that.  Now I'm not saying I'm having "withdrawls" or anything, I don't think I'm addicted, but it was a hard day without it.  I got up this morning feeling like pigeon poop but I just took some Tylenol and tried to tough it out.  What kept me going was the knowledge that my father was bringing macaroni and cheese and sweet potatoes for me to eat for lunch.  I'm not the type to do drugs, and I attribute this partly to the fact that I know for fact there can be no greater substance on earth than sweet potatoes, so why try 'em?  Needless to say, I wasn't ready for either of those foods so in true Susan form, I cried about it.  I cried a lot, I was unfairly mean to my mother, and I just was not a happy camper.  My mother, who I just don't how has dealt with me this week, went to the grocery store and bought me chicken flavored ramen noodles and lasagna for when I'm better-- these were actually good, but still a huge mistake on the part of sodium-- and I ate some of those. 
This was just too much for me (and if I thought laughing hurt, I obviously was still on morphine the last time I cried) so around four o'clock I caved and took my lortab.   Once again, so glad I don't smoke.

Since then, I ate some more potato soup--added cheese, sour cream, and salsa; Heavenly!-- and read like 200 pages in my book.  I think I'm a masochist, since I'm constantly starving and I'm reading a book called The Hunger Games.  And let me tell you, they never stop talking about food.

Anyway, my procrastination and my better mood has made this post far too long-- in writing and reading time--so I think I'll close with a quote from a beloved sitcom that has helped me through my recovery (the quote, not the sitcom):
"When I'm sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True Story."
I couldn't imagine a better philosophy.
This picture serves two purposes. The first is to show you that I can still almost close my lips, and the second is to demonstrate my love affair with this lovely hand held mirror that has made eating possible.
And this one was an accident, but the look is appropriate enough that it can show that I'm sorry for my little trick with the first mile of my post. I really am feeling good!
Currently Reading:  The Hunger Games --Almost finished! Now the swelling needs to go down so I can go to the book store and buy the second one!
Current Weight: 109.9 lbs  --This I'm not happy with.  I actually ate a fair amount today.
Current Task:  Once again, trying to sleep.
Hannah Kebbel
6/22/2011 02:26:28 pm

Susan! I love your blog and keeping up with your progress! I think you are extremely brave and handling the whole situation remarkably well! I hope you continue feeling miles better everyday and happy early birthday :)
-Hannah K.

Dena Jones
6/23/2011 12:26:48 am

Hey, Susan- I can tell you're really having a hard time, but I STILL say you're a very talented writer! I love your blog! I know you're so sick of hurting and being hungry and the myriad other bad stuff that is going on right now. Hang in there!! Surely you will see the light at the end of the tunnel soon! (And it won't be an oncoming train!) Love you girl- hope today is AMAZINGLY better than yesterday!Love, Mrs. Dena P.S.- I'm not coming to see you! :)


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